I want to preface this by saying that it's my writing challenge so it's totally going to be random and poorly written and not all related to the letter "b."The place I'm in now is one where logically I know I have so much to be grateful for but I can't help but feeling down, overwhelmed, and the s word that everyone feels, stressed.
I think I'm going through some post-mid-life crisis where I can't come to grips with the fact that I have to have a job until I am able to retire. (That reminds me, we should talk to a financial planner.) Ridiculous sounding right? I know. And right now, that job is one I have a hard time imagining doing for another year let alone another 30 or so years. Without saying too much for the sake of possible work related people reading this, I am doing what is in my hands to make changes (both in my current position and possible future position/s). So far, slow progress with making changes to the current (but I'm trying dammit) and zero interview opportunities for the latter. Guess what!? You can't just make a career change when you have certain financial responsibilities AND for some odd reason (sarcasm goes here) people want you to already have experience!!! (I feel my chest tightening about now.) I have always said I have no regrets, that there's a reason for everything in life, but I think I can now say I have one or two regrets. That is that I didn't try harder to make a career change earlier in my current 12 year stint with current organization (or would have chosen a different major). That isn't to say it hasn't allowed me some great opportunities: travel, decent money, friendships, some professional development, learning more about who I am and who I'm not, developing other employees, retirement savings, good health care coverage, and so on and so forth. But being near 40, yes I think 37 is near 40, and having more grown up obligations like a mortgage and a marriage (it's not all about me people even though I often act that way) and hopefully some day soon a BABY, (ding ding ding B word!), it makes taking a major pay cut for a job change, let alone finding a job that would hire me, even more difficult than it would have been in my early 30's or late 20's. Wah.
So it is what it is and I'll keep trying to make what it is better but lately I feel like I am completely stuck.
B is for Baby. We want one. We're trying to "grow one" as a five year old I know calls it. But so far no success. My response to everyone is whatever happens happens in that department but I think that is a way to trick myself into believing that. Honestly though, I think the not knowing if we can or can't, if we will or won't is the most stressful part right now. And I am trying so hard to not become bitter or jealous. But sometimes, honestly, I think that blogs, Instagram and Facebook make that more of a challenge. Although I know it's not true, it makes it feel like I'm one of the few not experiencing parenthood (and one of the few not able to take pictures of crafts and pretty lattes all day long for my job). So I'm seeing the doc on Tuesday to talk about my baby making parts and the next b word, boobies. I kind of suck at doing self breast exams because my breast tissue makes it sort of tough to distinguish lumps, but I noticed something that felt a little out of the ordinary and I'm going to get it checked out, mainly for Bobby.
That's the best b word. He's putting up with a lot of emotions these days and I feel like a horrible wife for it. He's also had to pitch in more than usual (he's always been great about sharing chore duties) because I'm working longer hours. I need to do a better job expressing how thankful I am for him. I can't imagine going through this rut without him. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. I'm trying to do a better job of having fun with him during our free time and not taking that for granted.
So this ended up being a total Debbie Downer post but blogs can't all be party themes and beautiful family photos.
2 comments:
Jessica -
Don't give up. I remember Mother's Day being particularly difficult for me a few years ago, not knowing if I was ever going to be a mother. My goal at that time, based partially on observations in my work, was to create a life that would welcome a child, if I was able to have one. I've met people who had healthy children well into their fifties, so I tried (and still try) not to stress too much about time. But I understand wanting to know when it's going to be your turn. Just know that it could happen, and quickly at that! And don't give up protecting your time in the meantime. That should make a difference.
Hope the boobs are doing well. All these things we have to think about as we get older!
Thanks for the encouraging words, Sarah! I remain hopeful and grateful for the no kid freedom we have right now. The boon is okay :) I've got a cyst that I'm supposed to watch. Good times getting older indeed.
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