I always debate whether or not I should put more "personal," downer kind of blog entries on this here blog. Don't want people to be uncomfortable or think I'm nutso, but I think you already know that. This blog isn't really for others anyway, it's more for me-kind of a living scrapbook and an outlet at times so screw you all if you don't want to hear about all sides of jessica :) Besides, most of the time I'm in a good and happy mood. Today is not the norm...maybe it's the weather.
I'm down today. I think it might have started last night. People at work probably wouldn't know it, and you probably wouldn't know it if you talked to me today. It's that sort of down, feel the weight on your chest kind of down and I blame a variety of reasons for it. One is that this time last year was the last time I saw my grandmother (dang it, I'm tearing up just writing that). She was diagnosed with cancer over the summer and I went home to visit about a month before she passed. I'm so grateful for that time. There's a picture on my refrigerator of the last day with her. I'm wearing one of the rings today that she gave me on that visit-the one my father had made for her while he was in the Peace Corps and that she wore every day. I can still remember saying goodbye to her that day and it was a very surreal moment not knowing if that was really going to be the last time. At that point we thought she was doing better.
Something else that got me kind of down and shouldn't have, but I guess I was already there anyway, was Swampechaun's post about marriage. I try my best to live my life with no regrets, to not stress over what I cannot control, and to be grateful for the life I do have. A partner is something I've always hoped I'd have in life, but so far it isn't going that way, and there's nothing to say it will ever happen for me. That's why I've tried to create a life I love for myself, knowing that I may never have someone to share it with. I am proud of my independence, take joy in small things, and am grateful for my family and friends. I am whole, but I can't help but sometimes hope that by some miracle I'll be blessed with a partner to share a life with.
In the meantime I'm just going to try to put some good out into the world and try my best to be the best version of me.
1 comment:
well, writing from the other side, you'll probably think whatever I say is just cheese, but....
I hope you find the partner you're looking for. He'll be lucky to find you. Weird thing about love is that once you do find him if you do, then the wait won't seem to have mattered. But until then.......well, that's a different story.
just stay positive like you are and confident knowing that there's often a lot of luck or chance involved. so it's not like all of us marrieds have figured something out that you haven't.
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